Some days...

Today I had his crazy type of day..sometimes life just shows you all the corners of the emotional spectrum so to speak..

The day started really harmonious and relatively peaceful if you don’t count the million sibling fights that start at 6.00 am over who’s turn it is to hold the cat, and for how long... 

Besides from that tiny detail it was i who woke up happy because I had had a wonderful dream where there was warmth and closeness with someone I am missing very much every day. Then it was I who was granted some painting time on the ‘balcony studio’ because the two warriors had agreed to play nicely at a certain point.  They had decided  to ‘make some money’ by selling their most ‘un-desired’ toys downstairs in the hall way of the building where we live in.  

The day went on being really great too after that because my friend called me if I was up for a play date between her kids and mine..so we gathered our kids and went to the nearby park to let them swim on possibly the last summer day being warm enough for a nature swim..  I was having 15 minutes to myself laying on the warm sand while dreaming away about the nice dream I had had that night. I was dreaming along without disturbance because  my friend took all the kids to a water play thing somewhere else in the park.

But about 15 minutes later the day started to shift completely.. from peaceful dreamy harmony to huge hysteria and discomfort. My son came back from the water play thing crying his lungs out because he had a splinter in his foot and under his nail on his hand. He is so good at making extreme drama when he has something small but slightly painful. He did not allow me to get the splinters out. While negotiating with him about allowing me near the nail and foot  he screamed so load that the rest of the people in the park must have had the impression I was putting splinters into my sons  foot  instead of trying to get it out. This whole situation took about 45 minutes and three bystanders to help me to get them out, when he finally calmed down. Then it was time to go home. But while walking home the youngest daughter of my friend took a bad fall and hurt her knee. Meaning she had to carry her to my place which is not that far from the park, but she has a broken elbow bone herself so she isn’t really allowed to carry her kids at all. Drama completion came when my daughter too took a fall before we arrived at my place.. so five tired kids and two stressed mothers around dinner time isn’t a good combination..

So I took my kids and we went with her to help her get home safely with the broken elbow and the kid who could not walk. I took her crying daughter on my bike, while she walked the rest of the kids over on a 15 minute walk to her house . when I arrived alone with her upset daughter I had to disable the alarm in her house before I could settle her crying daughter down. But I could not get the alarm code in the right way because she had forgotten to tell me what to press on before typing in the code.. so now I was standing there with the insane sound of the alarm going off all around us and her daughter crying in my arms for her mommy! I think stressed does not describe my state of mind on that point well enough.

But all is solved now and all is well! The kids are finally all in bed and peacefully asleep, while I feel the fatigue hitting me in the face. So I think I have had enough for one day..... I’ll go to sleep early hoping for that nice dream I had last night to be continued...

Goodnight..xxx

Ps; Tomorrow I will hopefully have some great pictures to share of a project I am participating in. In the morning I will be headed for the Amsterdam ‘Red district’ to paint a part of a huge ‘street-painting’ together with lots of other artists...

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Language of no words is how we speak

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Medicine for the soul..

Okay maybe some of you have noticed that i can't stop posting songs by Medicine of the people. One day i'll write a post on why their music and especially their highly intelligent lyrics are so inspirational and important to me..

Here is the last video i'll post today.. Goodnight....

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Horse shoes

In the previous post i talked about how my legs changed into horse legs during a mediation. This weird experience suddenly reminded me after i posted it of a pair of shoes a friend of mine during art school, Monique van den Hout had made. She had designed and made them back then. It must be more then twenty five years ago now. These shoes always had stuck in my mind, because i used to like them a lot. And as it turns out so does Saatchi gallery 

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Assimilating with my animal guide

The painting of the white horse journey is coming to its ending faze. I had some struggles with it because I had real trouble letting go of attaching to an end result. I was very focused on giving an accurate description of my journey, and wanted to paint just that. That was before I understood a tiny tiny little more of what shamanic painting is. Like the aspect of letting the painting talk to you essentially.. But hey, let’s not leave the impression that I know anything about shamanic painting now.  What I try to say is that I understood even less then nothing a few weeks ago...

You know I hope I don’t bore anyone because I really need to write all this stuff down right here on my blog.  Because doing that leads me to see connections from a different perspective then when I would write it down in a dairy form and just for my own eyes to see. I am discovering all sorts of new connections though writing for you. I have always wanted to write a book when I would grow up..Well maybe this blog is a start.. 

But okay,  back to the journey. What I wanted to talk about is that I had this really weird experience with the white horse after I took my journey.  The day I took the journey was the same day I had my first session with a teacher to lift my energy work up onto a more professional level. I wrote about that fabulous learning experience in this post.  Anyway, back to the white horse... that evening I did a guided mediation for the learning session with my teacher and in that mediation the white horse re-appeared. But in  a totally unexpected way. 

During meditating I felt my legs change into horse legs, white horse legs. But i also changed in my upper body, I wore a red Capulet. And I felt I was looking like a person from the middle ages. Could not quite figure out if I was male or female, I tend more towards male, but with a feminine kind of boyish energy. It was so so weird, I have never had something like a change of body occur to me during a meditation before.  And then on top of that I did not even change into a another human but into a half animal half human.. Actually when I write this down I changed into a centaur when you consider I had (white)horse legs. And wow, now that I think of this I wrote a post a few days ago about the cornflower. Which has been my favorite flower  for as long as I can remember, so I researched its symbolic meaning and learned that this flower has as Latin name, Cyanus, which has come from the centaur. Wow, is this what it feels like?? When the subconscious starts talking to me through its web of archetypical symbols and images to give me messages about who I am and where I need to go to be on my true path??  

I feel that the main message I got from the white horse Is I that I should release all tendency towards wanting to control situations that are tender and purely made out of emotions. Just leave them as they are, leave them be and go with their flow...without wanting to be the driver of those situations. without attachment to a certain outcome and trying to steer the car that way! In surrendering my desire to steer not only will my physical health improve but also I feel clearly that my emotional health will benefit. And I also believe that any situation will flow, where it is supposed to go. For me this is a tough one to live by. As I always was the one in the driver’s seat. In earthly (money/work) matters I still feel I have to take charge firmly. Maybe that needs to change as well, to leave air to breathe for me and let more abundance flow in to my life naturally.  It’s just so hard to live in faith and surrender when you feel like ( like I do) that you have always had to do everything by yourself. I realize now that I took the drives seat as much as I could to create a sense of safety for myself. Safety has always been a scares state of being in my life. Originating where it originates from for everybody, early childhood. 

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YEaH!!!

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White horse

 Picture source here

I haven’t written anything specific about my first shamanic journey. As the last week of the Visual Quest painting course is almost ending. I feel i really need and want to share this experience here. It has been a deeply transformative proces and all i learned has been a huge magical discovery for me. It feels i have now a tool and so many more possibilities to bring my 'real self' into my art work. Its amazing, it's like an opening for a deeper relationship with what i create. I have now tools to connect on a totally different level with my paintings, much deeper then it ever was possible.

With being given the possibilty to participate in the course Visual Quest I feel i have been shown a doorway to go ‘underground’ and meet consciously with my sub-consciousness. I feel really excited in exploring this further. I want to learn to listen carefully to the messages and looking around me when I am there to absorb what I see with as much detail as possible. The animal I met with was a white horse. The message passed by that horse to me during  the journey was I believe to help me go forward in life, in the way that’s best for me. To help me get or stay on my right path..Now I need to figure out what horses stand for and in particular what white horses stand for. And then try to really ‘feel-out’ what it was trying to tell me.

Right now i'm still working on my 'white horse painting'. I will post pictures of it later today..

The concept of the spirit guided message:

It’s important thing to remember about an animal guide and totem is that they are not magic and cannot truly benefit individuals unless they accept the guidance the guides offer and internalize the special qualities of the animal in order to consciously externalize those qualities in outward behavior.

No totem or spiritual guide would lead people to negative or destructive behaviors. You must consider how the animal, with its strengths and positive qualities, is speaking to your own personal spiritual life. Through the exploration of the spiritual meaning on a personal level, animal guides can remind you to call on your reserve of strengths to achieve a more peaceful and rewarding existence.

- Miriam Dunn

I went  looking online to see what spirit guide horses have to tell us  and in particular what a white horse guides tells us. While doing so I came across some beautiful messages, explanations and archetypal descriptions of horse guides.

Here is some of my beautiful findings, the first one is totally matching the message I have been given in my journey. It blew me away as I have found out almost two weeks after my journey that this was exactly the message the white horse has given me.

·         The horse possesses many virtues that are powerful and valuable and which any person would be wise to internalize. The gift of the horse is to release any desire to be in control. the best way to go is to surrender to the horse’s (as I read it ‘to life’)being which in return allows the horse to carry its charge forward on his or hers true path. Thus horse medicine is complete surrender of ego!!! 

·         A horse will only bond with someone it trusts. ... When a horse bonds with its owner, there is mutual respect and cooperation. Bonding requires patience because it takes time and is an ongoing process. Bonding requires spending quality time together, especially in a non-working environment where demands are not made. The best way to bond with a horse is simply to hang out together and have fun getting to know each other. A horse will bond when it can sense unconditional love. ... Just as horses will bond only with those they know.

·         Horse totems are associated with the element of air and of swift movement. Get in touch with that energy by visualizing a horse galloping across the horizon with its manes flowing freely.

·         A horse totem is a strong spirit and its magical properties are one of the most influential of all animal totems. Strength, friendship, virtue, cooperation, adventure, movement, freedom..and so much more..  

·         Horses represent a guide to overcoming obstacle. Horse people are wild spirits and their spirit cannot be broken.  

·         A horse teaches that power cannot be attained by force, but rather it is given to him who is willing to accept responsibility in a respectful manner.

·         The horse totem indicates travel and new journeys and directions in life.

·         Horses are said to be able to sense those with magical powers and can see good or evil in people. They will also warn humans from danger.

·         Horses are very intelligent animals and are sensitive to a multitude of human emotions from happiness to anger and they respond to these emotions in various ways.

·         A horse shows both earthy strength and unearthly powers. It is regarded highly throughout the world and connected with the magical powers of shamans.

·         The power of the horse is the wisdom to remember all steps in one’s life and to learn from them. This includes experiences from a previous life.

·         To watch a horse in the wild is truly an experience of its majesty, its grace and its magnetism.

·         Real power is strength used with wisdom. This requires love, compassion, and the willingness to share ones achievements and insights with others. It’s important to deny our ego to have access to this power. The horse spirit is power through awareness. A horse brings strength and force into the energy field of the person, which gives them the freedom to journey to far places.

·         One who has the power of the horse will see enhanced insight and intuition, a better sense of self control allowing one the ability to use strong self confidence to move in new directions.

·         The color of the horse is also steeped with symbolic meanings:

white horses: light, sun, day, vitality, illumination, resurrection, messenger of birth

This information i have found on this website

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Strange conversation

I just had the strangest conversation ever with my daughter. She started to ask me questions about the way Michael Jackson died. So I started to explain he died from taking too many pills.

She: did the hunters shoot him? 

Me: no, he took too many pills. 

She: did you not tell him not to do that? 

Me: no, not me, but his mother told him not to do that.  

She: oh, good, I want to see his mother, is she still alive? 

Me:  yes, she is still alive but lives a long way from here. 

She: where is Michael Jackson now, is he still alive? 

Me: No, honey he died. 
She: is he buried under the ground? 

Me: yes he is. 

She: I want to see his mother and ask her if I can look in the place where he is buried. I want to get the things of off him and see him in there.

End of conversation….what was that about????

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So beautifulllllll

I think today is officially becoming my music listening and sharing day :-)

My son is ill, he stayed home today from school with a stomach flu.
My daughter is home as well, she stayed home with 'school fatigue'
That's not a condition she and i made up :-) It's a thing four year old's sometimes suffer from :-)
Especially when they just started their brand new and loooong school career.


While i am listening to music, in the background they are fighting about who's turn it is to play with the our new cat. So i guess that's how my day is becoming a music listening more and more today..
I just NEED to turn up the volume :-)

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To go Forth

My developing stage of consiousness.
I've got the time for surrender
For blinking colors my soul awakes..

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Morning prayer

                                                                      Paintings by Jeremy Miranda

Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace. 
Where there is hatred, let me sow love; 
Where there is injury, pardon; 
Where there is doubt, faith; 
Where there is despair, hope; 
Where there is darkness, light; 
Where there is sadness, joy.

O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console,
To be understood as to understand,
To be loved as to love;

For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
It is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
-St. Francis of Assisi

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My favorite song for heart medicine-Black as night

WOW!!! What an energy!!!

To go in the dark with a light is to know the light.

To know the dark, go dark. Go without sight,

and find that the dark, too, blooms and sings,

and is traveled by dark feet and dark wings. 

-Wendell Berry

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Heart healing

In need of healing of my heart!
Wish i was sitting at this camp-fire, in this wonderful meditative state where the fire and the people around it radiate warmth, truth, leaving me feeling inside like a warm bath. Helping me to get back into my core and let it all go.. I am currently feeling like nothing is up to me...just letting it go..leaving it up to the higher powers..

Surrendering to what it is, not to what i want it to become..

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Highest time to let go!!!!

LET GO!!!

So then tell me why is it so d*%#*m hard to let go of what is not serving, enriching or nourishing me? 

Let go of that heart that isn't really there, a heart that is empty.

Everything i do, i say, i write is going into a black hole. Going through, going nowhere.

It must be a dark, wide and empty space, when not even my own voice as ever echoed back at me. 

Why is it so hard to let go of something that is making me feel emty hearted and cheap???
In fact it should be so simple to let go, because i would be letting go of nothingness! 

Please give me strenght and clairity to cut out of my heart what is not bringing tenderness.
Please help me to keep seeing the truth in this.
Please help me to make the choices that are best for me and my children.
Please help me to the stay strong and determined!

Please help me to move on to the best place in my life.
The place where i should be and where i deserve to be.. 

Please help so me(myself), anything or anyone will not drag me down anymore!!!

Please help me to let go of what is holding me back!

I really had ENOUGH!!!

**************

Amen

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Wanderlust

I miss traveling. How can one miss all the places where one hasn't been so much? I used to do travel a lot when i was younger and didn't have children yet. I can't really remember when it stopped, but it seems like a million years ago since i last visited another country. Prague was always one of my favorites..Oh, how i would love to walk through that city again...♥

Why am I thinking of Prague now, when I think of traveling. Or maybe it’s the other way around? Today I thought of Prague and suddenly felt deep ‘sehnsucht’,(sorry there is no English word that describes this feeling as good as the German word does) for this city and wanted to travel so much again. I have a special thing for Prague and whenever I used to be there I felt alive and connected to everything around me. I guess I miss that alive and tingling feeling tonight... 

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......

The pathway is open to you, may it lead to your heart. 

You have a power that has nothing to do with what you do

or what you say

or who you know 

or where you are 

or what you look like 

or your skills

or your talents

or what you have.

It is the power of your presence.

It is the heat and light from your burning log.

And it touches everyone who comes in contact with you….

~Paul Williams, Remember your Essence

Via Mystic Mama

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Women is a river, an inspiration!!!

Woman is a river

Beautiful Fearless Soft Endurance

Courageous Loving Determined

Flowing Truthful Wisdom Magical

Pictures and their sources can be found here

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Manifesto.........of love

                                        

Practice being more receptive in your daily life. Notice how life changes for you when you allow yourself to ask for help from others as well as from the power of the universe…

Receiving is an act of love. Whenever you decree you want healing, this is a statement of loving yourself.

Receiving the gift of love brings harmony into your life. In shedding light on a stubborn problem, you are requesting that harmony return to your life.

Love is a state of union. When you can receive love, you can know union.

-Sandra Ingerman from Medicine for the Earth

To feel lovable is a huge challenge. If you don’t feel lovable it is pretty hard to trust any body who might be inspired by you. In order to feel lovable, you firstly should manage to refuse any kind of power game with life, You might want to try to love others and do them as good as you can. The bottom line is to let true love birth within yourself. I believe it is only possible to have that happen when you can love yourself totally nude and accept all part of it that you can connect and union with others. To be able to accept your own limits, your own vulnerability of the need, the humbleness to receive...

Text via here

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Mystery

Picture found here

“You find out that what you are is a force—a force that makes it possible for your body to live, a force that makes it possible for your whole mind to dream.”

“Without you, without this force, your body would collapse on the floor. Without you, your whole dream just dissolves into nothing. What you really are is a force that is Life. If you look into the eyes of someone near you, you will see the self-awareness, the manifestation of Life, shining in his eyes. Life is not the body; it is not the mind; it is not the soul. It is a force. Through this force, a newborn baby becomes a child, a teenager, an adult; it reproduces and grows old. When Life leaves the body, the body decomposes and turns to dust.”

“You are Life passing through your body, passing through your mind, passing through your soul. Once you find that out, not with the logic, not with the intellect, but because you can feel that Life— you find out that you are the force that makes the flowers open and close, that makes the hummingbird fly from flower to flower. You find out that you are in every tree, you are in every animal, vegetable, and rock. You are that force that moves wind and breathes through your body. The whole universe is a living being that is moved by that force, and that is what you are. You are Life.”

~Don Miguel Ruiz from The Mastery of Love

Text found via here 

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Sending my wish to the universe......

Picture found here

Love is trembling happiness. 

~Kahlil Gibran

Find me......

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Ready for my next journey

Yesterday i had a break-through in finishing this painting. The painting felt stuck for a while. I layered over layer to get into the heart of it, but it failed to work for days..  And there it was suddenly flowing again.. No reason what caused it externally. And today it has flown into be finished :-)  It's a painting with many layers, with many truths, with many intentions and thus with many stories.. It's original reason for me to paint it has turned into another. This one is about my first shamanic journey. It's not about the energy of someone else. 

It’s become about my own energy... 

I feel happy when looking at it....Not just for the visual way it turned out but for the energy i know is in there, between all the layers.

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Kaypacha Pele report

            

I follow his weekly astrological reports because they somehow (most of the time) click with me and what i am going though in that exact week he is talking about. Or if I can’t place the events literally into my life at that moment, the report just sheds light on the things i don't understand and what i go  through in that week. Like he says, or where that the Mayans? It does not matter wo said it first :-) it is good anyway: Our lives mirror what ever happneds up there in the sky.. I really begun to believe he has a point.

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Frequenties

Picture source here

I found this text online just now, and the reason I wanted to post it right away is because it closely follows what i am slowly discovering and more importantly experiencing about energy and frequencies myself. I love the way this beautiful and inspiring concept is being explained here...

Tune in to the core of your body,” the Grandmothers said. “Whenever you occupy your center, everyone and everything connected to you lifts,” they explained.

“Every form of life is part of the same seamless whole,” they said, “so when you accept the fact that you are an exalted being and allow yourself to lift up, everything lifts. Whenever you take this centered place and feel it, you salute the truth of life and the truth of life salutes you back…”

“Come to the center…As soon as you tap into presence, pure energy will cascade outward from you. This outward flow produces a domino effect,” they said. “The process may sound simple, ” they said, “but it is not. The truth is this—your vibration can lift everyone on earth…”

“Basically, you are an electrical or energy body, so whenever the vibration within you moves to a higher frequency, the energy that surges outward from you affects everyone. Everything benefits.”

“Call on us,” the Grandmother eagles said. “Let us surround and hold you as you turn to the Divine within. Your energy will automatically rise upward when you do this….”

“Haven’t you had enough in the basement of life? …Rise up and be happy.”

“There is so much beauty/power present in you, so much is surging outward from this presence we speak of. We are sharing this information with you,” they said, “so you can know how energy works, so you can understand why we have come. And we are sharing this with you so you can know who you are.”

-Sharon McErlane from Our Love Is Our Power: Working With the Net of Light that Holds the Earth

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let the struggle be...

I was, and still am, struggling so much with this painting. This is has not began out of one of the shamanic journeys with Pixie Campbell in the course Visual Quest i'm doing. .  I started this the same day I took my firts journey.  I started it parallel to the one about the journey. 

This one is, or was, (i still dont know), supposed to be a gift for someone. Someone I like but have never met in person. I wanted to see if i could paint that persons energy. But the more I work on it the more it seems to be about the journey i took. 

It’s so weird how painting has a flow of where it wants to go of its own, and letting that process just be is beautiful. That’s one of the many things about painting I need to learn. 

Pixie Campbell’s’ wise words help me a lot in my process of letting me come through in my paintings as opposed to letting my intellect and what i learned in art school come through into my work...

Painting and using ones intuition....

Bring it all out, lay it all on the canvas. This can bring up what sucks or what still hurt, stuff that’s eating at us, what’s bothering us, what’s glugging our pipes, what’s creating resistance.  Which obviously not limited to painting. Our discomfort, our anxieties comes up.  So you know what your struggles are about. The best therapist we have is to create.  To follow that energy into the painting.  There is always an opportunity, it’s to look where we can affirm and reassure, the opportunity is to let it be, to let it flow.  To practice acceptance, sit with the discomfort., and at the same keep moving through it. Painting is about being brave.. flow at into the emotional waters of yourself.

-Pixie Campbell 

These two creatures are probably the only elements i was content with in the older versions of this painting. I dont know what they are, but i like them..

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Parenting tip :-)

Sorry, I just could not resist :-) And then i just close the door and have a peaceful cup of tea...

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Tenderness, fidelity and reliability

Flower medicine

A few nights ago a friend did a distance-Reiki treatment on me. During the treatment (which was very relaxing) she had a vision of a field of beautiful blue cornflowers appearing to her as she asked herself spitiually for a color to treat me with....As it happens they are my favorite flowers, she did not know that. 

This made me want to investigate what cornflowers or Centaurea Cyanus stands for or symbolizes. What I found was very interesting. Its not only its color I feel pulled towards, especially when i am painting, but also the Greek mythology of the centaur which is where the flower draws it's latin name from is a very fascinating figure to me, always has been.. And appears in my paintings frequently too.

What i found on various sites:

The cornflower has been used as a symbol of tenderness, of fidelity, and of reliability.

The Centaurea name comes from Centaur Chiron, who cured a wound made by an arrow dipped in the Hydra's blood. He used the petals of the Cornflower. It is known to have healing properties.

A general legend states the flower was worn by young men in love and if the flower faded too quickly it meant that the young lady didn't return his affections. In other words she wasn't "into him."

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