My dear friend Claudette and i have had a couple of delightful facetime and skype talks lately..
Here is what our late night talk tonight was all about........
My last blogpost was about the important question what it is that i am practising...
This subject was one of our topics in tonights' face time session.. And as i dont like to hold things back, because i feel i am on a mission to become a 'truth-teller', i will not hold back on my answer to this important question.
I am constantly practicing my conviction I will never find a (real) man in my life, one that loves me shows me he loves me without asking for it. And furhter more i am practising the belief no man will ever find me, or fight for me.So i'm the one who constanly is in a fight-mode for the love of a guy!! I don’t want to look for that guy, i dont want to try and find him, I want to be found by him! In constantly being in that figh-mode I am practicing the fear I will never be found. That I won’t be seen, that I will end up alone!
One of my other biggest fears i practise is and the one where i fear no man will want me if he knew how i really am. I am not always that strong woman that can do whatever she puts her mind to. That strong woman that can do everythuing on her own, by herself and that knows exacly what she wants never doubts it. I am so sick and tired for being seen as such i could puke right now!!!
That is not the woman I am, I have so many fucking moments that I have no idea whatsoever what to do or what to feel or what to think, subsequently make the ‘wrong ‘decision and have to clean up whatever messy consequences have come from that. I want to be seen in that! As someone who is (occasionally) weak and who does (occasionally) make a mess that seems beyond repair, and as someone who does panick thinking about what step to take next. And that that is okay, that nothing about me is too ugly and can’t be shown, can’t be loved. I am not as people LIKE me to see as.
Is it too hard to see me as someone who doesn’t have it all together? Does seeing and looking at my weaknesses mirror too well that you don’t have it all together yourself?! Is that why people like to see that fake image of me??
Well, I refuse to oblige anymore, i am DONE!!!
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