Dreaming my big dreams

For the story i am about to post tonight i feel i need some of this music, some relaxing, calming me down music..

“The truth is not always beautiful, nor beautiful words the truth.” 
― Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

Okay, here i go. But first let me post some introduction:

This place, my blog is supposed to be a safe place to vent all sorts of things, also the ‘hard’ stuff,  to the world. I do that because in the 1^stplace it helps me to get real with my struggles. Seeing them back here written down in black in white,  and the scary part, being readable to everyone that like to visit my blog. This makes that all I write should feel like the truth to me, and there for I need to be very conscientiousness of what I write and how I write. That conscientiousness helps me to stray clear and truthful to myself, well as truthful as I can anyway way. And no I am not naive, I know this is an open space and therefore can be entered by everyone, even someone who does not care about this being a safe place. But I’ll take my chances for such person can be touched with beauty of truth telling too.

This is kind of a big one for me, as it is my deep deep dream,  to be together with a (large) group of people and help each other heal our old, new, deep, shallow, sharp, bloody and nasty wounds. Help each other heal by truth telling. As someone else described these kind of spaces,  and I can’t say it better than she did, so I echo her words of beauty:

“This is a place of beauty. Each of us have to learn discernment.. How to see through the fog of untruths we keep telling ourselves. This is a place where you are all my witnesses. May this be a place be a safe steppingstone to leave the shadows behind”.

Namaste xxxD

So now i will tell the truth about a very hard topic for me, MONEY!  I will talk now about my (screwed up) relationship with money..

Money is an incredible hard topic for me, has been so for as long as I can remember. Coming from a one parent household, my mother never worked, and thus there was no money, just welfare, and that was very little. I’ve been angry with her for as long as I can remember that she did not make a ‘real’ living, but mostly for the fact that she did not model for me and my sister how to do it. So I grew up incredibly insecure of being able to make a living in any kind of job, let alone trying to monetize on my dreams and where my heart lies, which is art. I have done millions of different jobs until now,  none of which I ever loved or liked. I now know why I was running so hard without even taking time to breathe, I tried to prove to myself I could do it! That I could take care of myself, that I could work hard, that I could hold on to a job, that I could make a living on my own strength. But I also can see now that almost all the jobs I have had these past 30 years have all made me feel like grabbing me by the throat, like being chocked. And it did literally, because living my life this way has gotten me to the point of being ill, so severe, and so often, that I could not work anymore and lost my job.  Which then again lead me into welfare, which is my current status. How ironically, me being on welfare, I never wanted to become my mom, but I have...I am now a mom myself of two little kids and on welfare. What’s the  message? Whatever it is I haven’t been strong enough yet to listen to it yet.. And most of all it makes me feel ashamed to be on welfare.

I have been a (big)dreamer all my life, and have kept failing to make a living out of those. It has gotten me to the point of giving up on my dreams and focus my life on the motto ‘just do the job that pays the bills’ and exhaust myself.

Right now that I am on welfare it’s a blessing in disguise. Since June I have been granted the welfare and thus been granted time, time to think about what it is I really want and how to achieve it, or better said take baby steps to go forward. But as good as this may sound I often find myself in a paralyzing state. I just know that I don’t want to leave this earth and never have tried my absolute best to achieve to live the life I dreamt to live. Even if it’s just a tiny percentage that i will be able to achieve of what I originally dreamt up. I just don’t know how?!?!  I feel some of the dreams are coming back, but still very faintly. The scare of me never being able to amount to anything let alone materialize my dreams is so huge, so humongous, it clouds all I do and think. It's the feeling of me never being able to attain the dream i dream for myself...

So I did it, shared my money fear story..this is very scary but I hope I will be okay after posting this..