Things i'm afraid to tell you

Hi, today I will do something else.

Inspired by some great women who wrote revealing and philosophical blog posts about how we present ourselves to our readers  on our blogs in this day and age. Here a few wonderful examples that triggered my urge to do the same. 

Creature Comfort/Alison Citron/ LittleBrown Pen/ Make Under My Life/ Sweet Fine Day/ Creative Thursday....and so many more, here is a list of bloggers who did the same.

Wanting to contribute to this refreshing flow of honesty,  I feel like writing my humble list of ‘things I am afraid to tell you’. (They are not listed in order of importance.) 

So here it goes..it’s terrifying me to press the send button I can tell you!

1.I am often afraid in the night thinking there are ghosts spying on me.  So I find it very difficult and confronting when my kids tell me they are scared in the dark, did I plant that in their souls? So I feel very ashamed and it makes me feel very as an inadequate mother when I  try to reassure them by  literally acting as though there is nothing to be scared of, even when I feel scared at the same time they do.

2.I am hesitant to tell this but I will any way. This year I found myself asking my father to come over before Christmas , to at least be here already on the 20^th of December to hold my hand because of my overwhelming fear that the Maya’s might be right about the end of the World this year.

3.I feel very ashamed being too lazy to do my dishes any other way then with the tab running with water the whole time, in spite of knowing water is very scarce for some people and might be one day for us and my children as well.

4.I feel jealous of women who are in a relationship with a man who supplements their income so they can devote their efforts easily to their creative businesses. 

5.I am not proud of myself, but I make sure to never show pictures in here that show my true (over)weight..

6.I ones dreamt big, of being a worlds known artist but I slowly begin to realize if that did not happened yet at 40 it never will. And that is something I still can’t accept and makes me feel jealous of people who have seemed to reach their ‘art goals’ and even reached them at a way younger age than me(so they have still time to reach the sky).

7.Sometimes I doubt my abilities as a mom. I feel scared they will not grow up as confident as I wish for them to become because of my inabilities to make them feel centered and secure.

8.Divorcing my husband a little over a year ago because I could not change the situation and feel happy with him is one of the main reasons for feelings of deep guilt towards my children.

9.I feel sometimes I lose my patience with my kids too easily and  I shout much too loud at my kids...i feel very very ashamed about this.

10.I feel jealousy lots of the time, for example when I hear people talk about what they do in their professional lives and telling it with that special spark in their voices. Jealous of the fact they feel confident reaching their goals without seeing  any boundaries on the road they decided to go. I always see the boundaries and worst case scenario’s first and let myself be paralyzed by them.


11.I throw away food too often and too easily. I'm so sorry!


So here is my list, it's not near as long as i can make it :)) But for now i feel i will stop here because of feeling a bit awkward about it...